"The Substance" is Slick, Stylish, and Subtle as a Sledgehammer

 I finally got around to watching Coralie Fargeat's "The Substance" (2024), which apparently was nominated for several Academy Awards - a fact that immediately made me wonder what clips from this film were actually cleared for air during the awards ceremony. This movie is a delightfully spiteful orgy of sex and violence, and if you're a fan of Stuart Gordon's body horror-comedy classics "Re-Animator" and "From Beyond," this movie is definitely for you. If you're the squeamish type, you may want to skip this one, but if you're willing to push through the discomfort, this movie is a primal scream of rage at the insane beauty standards placed on women (in Hollywood especially) that provides real catharsis.

In "The Substance," Demi Moore plays, essentially, herself as the character Elizabeth Sparkle, an aging Hollywood sex symbol who also incorporates aspects of Jane Fonda, as in her latter years she is most famous for her TV aerobic workout routines. As is all too common, Sparkle is fired by her sleazebag producer Harvey (Dennis Quaid) for being too old and "unattractive," and she turns to increasingly extreme cosmetic procedures as she desperately tries to maintain her relevance - which, in patriarchy generally and in Hollywood especially, is synonymous with youth.

While filtered through the genres of sci-fi and horror, the metaphors are not subtle; indeed, Fargeat (who also wrote and produced the film) literally shoves her ideas, themes, and emotions in your face through the copious use of extreme close-ups. When she wants you to understand how disgusting the predator Harvey is (no last name given, but none needed to understand her point), she forces us to watch him sloppily devour prawns with grasping hands and an open mouth. When she wants us to comprehend just how sexy and desirable Sparkle's youthful alter-ego Sue (Margaret Qualley) is, her soft-filter camera lingers on Sue's ass and tits and crotch to an extent that exposes the male gaze as the absurd farce that it is.

And, critically, she contrasts these leering shots of Sue with the kind, naturalistic depiction of Sparkle. We see all of Demi Moore in this movie, and as a bi person I feel qualified to say she can still get it, holy shit. That is, ultimately, the tragedy of the movie. Here is a woman who by any reasonable standard is still incredibly attractive; her only "sin" is being older than thirty. (Moore was about 60 when this movie was filmed - a full decade older than her "too old" character, an irony I'm sure she and Fargeat were fully aware of.) But because of the misogyny that pervades the industry, this objectively beautiful woman feels compelled to destroy herself for the sake of pursuing youth, beauty, and relevance. She does so even when she knows it's destroying her, and the sense of alienation between "low" Elizabeth and "high" Sue also evokes the horrors of drug addition that are unfortunately common in showbiz, for reasons that are connected to the obsession with youth. Drugs make you feel energetic and invincible - just like we did when we were young.

I should say that for all the praise I am heaping on this movie, it still annoyed me, to the point that even halfway through I wasn't sure if I actually liked it. There is a difference between charming bluntness and condescension, and the movie seesawed between the two. When the movie suddenly turns into a synthwave music video to ogle Sue's body, I cackled with laughter at the absurdity; when the movie repeatedly flashed back to scenes and lines of dialogue that had happened mere minutes earlier as if it didn't trust me to remember the plot of the movie I'm actively watching, I groaned with frustration. Maybe those flashbacks were also supposed to be so-stupid-it's-camp; however, thanks to Netflix's "second screen" mandate, it's the SOP of all major productions these days, and frankly it insulted my intelligence. When we encounter the aged version of a previously-introduced RN, we don't need a close-up on his birthmark AND a flashback to the RN's birthmark AND the reveal that the aged version has the same Substance accoutrements as Elizabeth AND the aged version saying explicitly, "Yeah my youthful version recruited you," overlaid with a flashback to that very scene with the RN earlier in the movie. Like Jesus Christ, how stupid do they think we are? WE GET IT.

However, the climax of the movie ultimately won me over with its sheer audacity. I was not viscerally affected by most of the movie up to that point, but the nightmarish horror that Sue faced on New Year's Eve - when even the young, pert, sexy woman is hit with the realization that she still isn't good enough - had me covering my face and squirming in discomfort. And then, when the movie turned into a straight up GWAR music video, I was hooting and hollering with glee. The catharsis that the movie gives when it condemns the movie industry - and society at large - with the blood on its hands is like nothing else. It's horrible, it's beautiful, it's disgusting, it's amazing. Fargeat takes a sledgehammer to the whole system and, Gallagher-style, turns it into a red, pulpy, hilarious mess.

So You Wanna Do Swords: Six Cross-Training Exercises for Beginner Rapier

Obligatory photo of me to establish my bona-fides

One of the things that I love about HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts), but what I also find challenging about HEMA, is that it often attracts people who normally aren't interested in or knowledgeable about martial arts (or sports in general). I love this fact because I genuinely think everyone's life is better when they find a physical hobby they can do and enjoy doing. On the other hand, this fact makes teaching new students challenging because I'm not just teaching them how to do Italian rapier; I'm also, to an extent, teaching them how to be physically active at all. And just like how learning to speak a new language is more difficult when one is an adult, learning how to intentionally and effectively move one's body for the first time as an adult is quite challenging!

My introductory students often ask me for advice on ways to build strength and endurance, and I have a few go-to answers that I'd like to share. I try to keep my recommendations as simple and accessible as possible because it doesn't matter how good or effective an exercise is if people can't/won't actually do it regularly. So here's six very basic cross-training exercises that will help you improve at rapier:

1. Cardio

Decent cardio health is foundational; you can't train effectively if you gas out halfway through class! The upshot is that it doesn't matter what sort of cardio you do - it all helps, so just pick the exercise that you can stick to. I use cycling as my cardio solely because I don't own a car, so it's my primary form of transportation. Cycling has side benefits of really improving my leg strength and being low-impact on my joints, but that's not why I cycle. I cycle because I need to get to the store, or to work, or wherever.

Every form of cardio exercise has upsides and downsides, so it's just a matter of assessing your own preferences, priorities, and abilities. Maybe you prefer running (requires very little investment in gear and can be done just about anywhere, but is hard on the joints), or maybe swimming (low-impact and great at building shoulder/back strength, but requires access to a pool), or hell, maybe your cardio of choice is playing DDR (builds explosive energy/strength, fun as hell, but your downstairs neighbors will hate you). It's all good! Just find an activity that you enjoy and that gets your heart rate up.

2. Lunges

Are you really surprised? ;) Exercise lunges have a different form than the lunges we do in Italian rapier, but the basic muscle groups used are the same. You can start out doing bodyweight lunges, and once you're comfortable with that you can hold dumbbells to add weight to your routine. If you don't have access to dumbbells, you can use cans of beans, gallon jugs of milk or water - anything reasonably heavy that you have two of. (This tip goes for every exercise that follows, too! Start out doing the movement with no added weight, then start low and add more as you gain strength. You can use household objects if you don't have dumbbells.)

3. Lateral raises

A lot of beginner rapier students struggle to engage their back muscles when they're holding their weapon, so they wind up trying to hold it entirely with their arm muscles. Lateral raises will both help you learn what it feels like to engage your back muscles and will strengthen them so you can hold your sword more comfortably for longer periods of time. 

4. Romanian deadlifts (RDLs)

Italian rapier really emphasizes the hip hinge, and RDLs will help you learn what a good hip hinge feels like and will strengthen the posterior chain (the muscles in your back, butt, and legs that allow you to do that upper body movement). If you want to make things a little more challenging, you can try one-legged RDLs, which will also improve your balance and will help correct the strength imbalance that Italian rapier tends to cause.

5. Planks

Check out the abs on that guy!

A strong back works best in tandem with a strong front, and planks are the most accessible way to work your core. Start small - 30 seconds at a time - and gradually work your way up. You can hold yourself up on your hands or on your elbows, depending on what is most comfortable for you. A strong core helps you maintain the upright posture necessary in the Capo Ferro/"common" stance.

6. Bent-over rows

This works your rear shoulder and back, again helping you hold your sword longer and more comfortably. You'll also notice that the bent-over row puts your back and legs in a somewhat similar position as the RDL, so your posterior chain also gets a little love. 

Any gym bro will point out that these six exercises aren't enough for a complete workout routine, and they're correct. More experienced HEMA-ists will also point out that there's a lot of other cross-training (to focus on footwork, speed, fine-tuning strength, etc.) that would also be helpful, and they're also correct. However, for people who are completely new to physical hobbies - specifically to historical rapier - and who need a little guidance, I think this is a good starting point.